Would you like Belfast or London?

I spent most of last Sunday plotting some of the places I want to visit on a fairly large photocopy of the United States which I took from the Times Atlas. The place is so big compared to the British Isles that a map, which clearly shows all the places I had listed, would be enormous, and short of tearing out the pages from my 2002 road atlas of the States, I thought this was a reasonable start. The problems just have got worse. The scale is so small that the place names are not on it except for some major cities, although it does mark the States. Also it is in black and white and the mountains are so dark that they hide the writing so I have made numerous coloured highlighter blocks on it in roughly the ares of the specific states that I am going to try to see. Some other elements of this adventure became clear however. I plan to travel to the States in July and had thought to spend about 3 months there. That would allow me to visit with a 90 day visa waiver, but when I started to realise just how much I was trying to cover, I realised that I might just run over, so I thought that I had better apply for a proper non -immigrant visa. The other thing that became apparent was that I would have to arrange my times fairly carefully, although I do not intend to stick to a rigid day to day itinerary. I have places which I want to visit all over the States, although there are definitely some which I cannot do on this trip, such as Alaska, which is too far north west, and probably the south east, although I would have liked to try to see a space launch in Florida. I seem to have evolved a route which will take me in a large oval from the north east , across the northern states ,down the west coast and then up and down through New Mexico, Arizona and Texas and back up to see the autumn colours in the Blue Ridge Mountains. If I travel anticlockwise, I shall spend the hotter times in the north and west and then get to the Southern States when the summer is slightly less hot with luck. This fits in quite well too because I think my Harley and I really should treat ourselves to a trip to Sturgis for the August rally there, but that is almost a month into the trip, and I wonder whether, when only a quarter of the route round I should have enough time to complete the journey? It seems to be about 9,000 miles as far as I can estimate. So, hence, I have applied for a holiday visa, which will allow me up to six months. Not that I intend to stay that long, although, the last time I went abroad,to do a sabbatical post in Germany for six months, I ended up staying there for six years!
The paperwork is a bit of a problem. I am glad I have started to plan now. I shall need the visa, which is a major bit of expensive hoo-ha in itself, but I also need an international driving licence and a photocard driving licence and US motor insurance. I'm a bit sad about the photocard driving licence . I still have an old paper one, which has always been fine as far as I can see, and has an expiry date in another ten years time when I am 70. It's green and eco-friendly made from paper from a tree which has long since been paid for and replaced I'm sure, and has all the details which seem necessary for a reasonably sensible, honest and legal driver, who pays for his vehicle, insurance M.O.T. and road tax. In addition it has little pictures of the categories which I am able to drive, which includes a road roller ( though not a steam driven one) and a tractor. I really don't like the idea of yet another piece of oil dependent plastic with my picture and a chip. Everything seems to be plastic and chips now. So this will now join the numerous plastic cards jamming several fat card holders which we have to carry about wherever we go. We used to be able to smile and write a cheque with our address on the back, often verified by our paper driving licence when essential. The U.S. visa will no doubt also be a card with a photo and a chip. Anyhow, getting one is a story in itself. What a hassle! It may be the land of the free, but it's not free to get in and it's not easy either! First one has to visit their web site and download an Adobe copy of the application form. All the details filled in, it is then sent to the embassy who return it by some automatic system with a bar code on it ( not quite a chip, but close). You then print it out and save a copy and have to telephone the Embassy for a personal interview and to find out the cost of the visa because it is not written anywhere on the web site. Now, here's the catch...the phone call is charged at £1.20 a minute in addition to your phone charge. So, I telephoned the embassy and was answered by a scottish girl (who greeted me in polite fashion and Scottish accent and did not tell me at the end to "Have a Nice Day") This pleasant girl explained to me all the details of application which I had already read on the web site and then took my plastic details from me, my VISA card details, in order to off-load me of $100 which is the cost of my visit and issue of the visa. Now I don't like using my credit card unless I really have to. I would rather use my bank debit card and know I have finished the transaction, but, no, I cannot pay on my debit card or by a cheque on the day. ONLY credit cards can be used, and despite the fact that we are in the UK, the payment has to be made in U.S.dollars, so no doubt Visa will charge me extra for the currency conversion. That is taken off immediately she explained and is non refundable if I am unable to make the appointment or if I am late or if the visa is declined etc etc. She then asked me where I wanted to have the appointment for the interview. I was a bit puzzled by this since I thought that the US Embassy was in London (that's London,England of course), but she said that she thought I might perhaps like to go to the Embassy in Belfast because I live in the north of England. WHAT!!!! I agreed that Belfast would indeed be about equidistant but London might be more convenient as either a train or car would get me there rather than a boat, plane and a car or train. So I now have an appointment on a Friday later this month, and shall have to pay for a train, and a hotel and lose a day's work, in addition to the $100, and the £6-20 telephone charge. Not so much land of the free now! However, if it serves to prove that I am simply a retired, slightly eccentric and irritating old grump, rather than a terrorist, I suppose it will be money well spent...at least the current exchange rate is good, so it can't all be bad.
Today I got the paper work confirming the time of the appointment. It seems full of apologies and rules. I cannot enter the building with bags or sticks or electronic equipment, which presumably means phone, and possibly chips and umbrellas, and I have been warned that they are very busy and that my appointment time may be given to a lot of other people too. We are informed that there is nowhere inside to wait and that we should form an orderly queue outside, but there is no shelter, so in the event of inclement weather, we may well get drowned. It also says that collections of persons hanging about outside will not be allowed and that crowds may be moved on by officials. So, I can just see it now, it will be pissing with rain and there will be two hundred people all given the same time as me. I shall arrive on the train at King's Cross and there won't be any left luggage lockers available for security reasons, so I shall have to stuff on to the underground to go to Victoria to find a hotel, book in and leave my stuff. I shall get a taxi to the embassy which will be slow and cost me three times as much as I budget for because there will be a demonstration in Grosvenor Square. When I arrive, there will be a queue, and it will be drowning because we are not allowed to be British and carry an umbrella, because they may be used to inject Russian spies in the leg with microscopic ball bearings once in every thirty years.
The police will be asked by the Embassy to move everybody on because of the Iraq war protest which is occurring in the street and I shall walk round the block hoping to get back in time for the appointment ,which everyone else will also be racing round the block to get to as well. On arrival I shall be told that I have missed the time of my appointment and will have to re-book, losing my $100. I shall argue and be told that that sort of attitude is not wanted in U.S. tourists and that perhaps I might prefer to go on holiday to Belfast. I find that I have not got enough money left after the taxi to get one back so go to a cash machine and realise that I have had to leave my wallet, cards and phone at the hotel. It was one of the hotels in Victoria but I can't remember which because I paid for the room on my card and left the receipt and plastic door card with my bank card in the hotel room.
I don't know, Belfast is beginning to look quite attractive...

Best wishes, Doc